As we wind down our dream vacation to celebrate 25 years (wowza, that makes me feel old) of marriage, I can't help but become pensive and reflective. Being away from home draws that out in me. Even more so than usual to my friends who say I'm this way ALL the time!
I left for vacation with school not being over for my students. I did FaceTime with them their last day. Some were all over it, but most more than likely hid and thought, "Geez, can it be 1 o'clock already?? I've had enough of that lady. Come on summer!" Needless to say, I hurried through deadlines (my least favorite thing...right up there with, "Hey, you want to do something spontaneous?") Insert nausea here. Got in a short trip to "Granny's Hotel" and celebrated the 5th anniversary of our little goober, Micah, being home. Wrote detailed lists of to-do's for every child I have, double checked Micah's child care calendars (yes, plural. Thank you, Kelsay and Sarah, for sharing my obsession) and tried to make sure I'd forgotten nothing. Dropped off my beloved Hannah at the airport to watch her little grown-up self go through security without me and hopped 3 planes and boom, here we are. A different view of God's coolness. But, may I say that He's no cooler here than He is at home? Vacations can recharge you, but you still have to deal with life no matter where you are.
All of that to say this. God is good. Very, very good. I still struggle with my pit-dom and most days have to intentionally concentrate on the fact that my surroundings, my emotions and my issues don't change that. Thank you, Jesus, for that. He's also reminded me of this. Nothing can replace Him. Nothing can replace family and friends. Nothing can replace his mercy. Nothing.
I knew well in advance that I'd be hitting the "six months since my dad passed" mark while I was here. Months ago, I told myself that surely at the six month mark, I would have reached a pinnacle of mourning and would then be well used to breathing in and out each day, without missing him. I don't know if there's some manual somewhere, but I'm not sure I'm following it. So tomorrow, at 10:05 am, dad has been with Jesus for half of a year. I miss him. At the least expected moments, I cry in public at the most bizarre of situations. Sometimes while I make coffee, sometimes when I stare at the ocean and wonder how in heaven's name did he stay for months on a ship to land on Normandy when I can barely get salt water in my eyes without wanting to swear just a little.
But this I do know. Dad's absence here doesn't change who God is. Climbing in and out of bouts of depression does not change who He is. Watching my mom slip away with dementia doesn't change who He is. Worrying about my kids, my job, my value to others simply doesn't replace what matters. These things will never be absent from my life, if I can be so honest. And quite frankly, these issues are inconsequential compared to most.
So as we prepare to leave, packing our souvenirs and memories, I'm so thankful for a God who doesn't withhold from his kids, even when they are so very undeserving. If nothing else I've learned, if I got what I deserved, life would be bleak and boring, at best. Instead, I have a loud, big family that is irreplaceable and quite hysterical, at times. We often speak in "The Office" language and break out in song. I have friends I'd literally die for and a husband that tends to keep staying around, despite the nutcase I am. Despite it all, I shall keep moving. One foot in front of the other. I pray that you can, too.
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